Thursday, November 27, 2008

Fake Douchebags

Some people are douchebags. Most of these people are on craigslist.

Here are two posts that I'm pretty sure are completely fake, probably concocted by teenage pranksters hoping for some indignant e-mails. They'd probably have better luck outside the m4w section. In the w4m section there's way less competition. Seriously, pranksters. Step it up.

Here's the first one: I want a woman to cook me up a thanksgiving dinner. This gentleman is 55 and lives on the Upper East Side.
I want the real deal, a woman who will come by with food and cook me up a thanksgiving dinner. Oh, I don't really own a full set of kitchen utensils, so you will need to bring those. And the turkey and fixin's. After dinner, we will watch a video on my $30 DVD player and 15 year old TV, and then I will go to sleep. You will hang around until the next morning to cook me breakfast, and maybe we will go to a movie later on. 

You must be 21 - 32, bosomy, tight, white, bright and look really good in the light. I deserve it, and this is gonna be the year I get it I'm sure. 

Step up to the plate, ladies of New York.
It's totally fake -- at least, I certainly hope so because anyone who thinks like this makes me sad -- but it's still funny. If it were real it would fit into the "wildly optimistic" category, which is quite an accomplishment for a craigslist post that makes no mention of sex. Because I'm sure there are loads of busty, attractive women out there with nothing better to do on Thanksgiving than cook dinner for a douchebaggy old man.

The next one up is hardcore douchebag, inflated ego version, and I'm pretty certain it's completely fake. There's a photo with it, at least, and the guy in the photo is hot, but in a kind of way that makes me think that the poster just googled until s/he found a pixely image from a men's catalogue. 

Doesn't he look like something out of a Men's Vogue fashion spread? If you're less suspicious than I am, the post is called It's really tough being so rich and absolutely handsome and if you still want to drop him a line after reading it, please let me know how it goes. And if this guy is real, please send me naked photos.

If the guy in the photo is not the poster, and he's a good friend of yours, I would still appreciate naked photos. And maybe a phone number.

After reading this post, not even that pretty face and the hard body I am imagining under that suit would get me anywhere near this boy. Well, not before a couple of drinks, at least. My drunk goggles extend to douchebagginess, unfortunately. 

Without further ado:
I mean, being such a huge baller as I am really has its drawbacks. I know everything about everything, drink Chateau Mouton-Rothschild 1945 like it's tap water, scoff at people's uninformed opinions on art, drive ferraris several hundred miles over the speed limit while sipping champagne that costs more than most people make in a week, and if a cop were ever to pull me over I would spit the mouthful in his face and demand he pay me $50. But that's not the real me. 

I guess I am just tired of fast-paced, money laden life. Sure, building pyramids made of gold and traveling by velvet lined, slave powered caravan is fun, but after a while you just get the feeling that you want to meet "the one". I don't expect said female to match up with me in any category, that's just absurd, but I do want someone who will challenge my near perfection enough for me to shoot them down, caress their bruised ego and help pay their art school tuition. 

I look forward to the chase, ladies. Please throw on your push-up bras, zip up those Steve Madden fuck-me boots and get ready for the ride of your life. 
On the other hand, my college tuition isn't exactly going to pay itself, and gold pyramids sound nice. Maybe it's worth putting up with this guy for a while.  If he annoys me I can just have sex with him. Never underestimate how much sex can distract you from the fact that you're dating a guy you can't stand. In high school I spun out a relationship with one of the most boring guys I have ever met for months past the expiration date because I failed to notice he was boring, because we were having sex twice a day and he was really, really long-lasting. Twice a day with a marathon man is a serious time commitment, and between that and schoolwork I didn't have time to have an actual conversation with him. He eventually decided we needed to talk more, and refused to buy condoms. We broke up the next day.

The saddest part of that story is that it wasn't even very good sex. 

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