The Boring Night That Started This

Thanksgiving in college kind of blows, particularly when your family is across the country and you know it's not worth a six-hour plane ride to spend less than a week in the California sunshine. Even if I had gone home, I suspect it would have been kind of depressing. My Dad called me up the other day to tell me all about how he and my mother had all their plans fall through. 

But I digress. The point of all of this is that all my roommates were gone, and so I turned, as I have turned on so many occasions, to Craigslist. It never lets me down.

In the m4w section of the personals -- this is people looking for actual relationships -- I found this gem. The heading read BRAD PITT CLONE HERE !!!!!!!!!! - 29 (QUEENS), and that sounded extremely unlikely to be true. I was hoping for a picture. Instead I got this.

Hey there, vagina, 
You're a fragrant little kitty, 
With your landing strip and camel toe, 
To me, you look so pretty, 
Yes you do... 
You know what I just wanna do, 
Is punish you... 

Hey there, vagina, 
You're a fancy little beaver, 
Let my penis play the quarterback, 
And you can be receiver, 
Yes, it's true... 
I'll throw a touchdown inside you... 
Yes, it's true... 

Oh, it's what you do to me... 
Oh, it's what you do to me... 
Oh, you little penis sleeve... 

I love your little heart-shaped box, 
A pair of lips that never talks, 
It's everything a man could ever want! 

The only problem in the world, 
Is you're connected to a girl, 
And that makes you annoying in the end! 
In the end... 

Hey there, vagina, 
You're a man's reason for living, 
You can make the most froogle, gentlemen, 
Become quite giving, 
Yes, it's true... 
You sausage wallet, 
I love you...

I don't think this guy wants to get laid. I think he just wants someone to tell him that he's clever for spoofing a really annoying song.

Perhaps strangest of all, the sexist poetry was followed with this photo:

Sometimes, people on craigslist are confusing. And sometimes they scare the shit out of you with photos of scary fucking spiders.