Monday, February 2, 2009

I Hate It When Craigslist Porn Turns Me On

I've mentioned how much I like the creativity of some craigslist ads. I haven't mentioned how much I love it when people write stories -- always, always in second person -- in an attempt to woo casual sex partners with their erotica-writing skills.

Erotica-writing skills are excellent in a sexual partner, casual or otherwise. A good dirty e-mail is a wonderful thing.

So I've started collecting examples of craigslist erotica.

This one is entitled YOU'RE A GREAT WIFE/GIRLFRIEND ... BUT YOU WANT TO BE A BLK COCK SLUT.  I personally don't know anyone who has sexual fantasies about being a different race but I can't say I've ever asked someone about that specifically. It's fine, it turns out that's not actually what he meant.
OK, you take the kids to soccer practice, shop at Whole Foods, make a nice house, provide excellent holiday memories, hair is always nicely arranged, you have a classic smile. Everything is together and you do the tings a responsible wife/girlfriend would do but one thing you crave black cock and want to be treated like a slut. Sure hubby/bf gets great head when he wants but he has no idea how sometimes you just need to suck, swallow, eat cum and be treated like a dirty whore. Suck me you slut dont blow me suck my head. Go deep gag on it you slut! Open wide let me see that cum shoot in your mouth. 

Truthfully he cant treat you the way you want sometimes and still respect you being a slut is about being used like an object doing one thing, sucking a big black cock and being used for someone else total pleasure.. I dont care if you feel good, Im not going to try and make you cum. I may tell you to finger yourself while sucking me. I may pinch your nipples to see you groan or whimper. I will cum on your face, tits or ass. Hubby cant treat you like this and give you what you crave but I can. 

Many women feel like this, its no surprise sex is different for everyone. Some women like ass play some dont, some like doggy and some like to be on top. There is no such thing as nice girl sex everyone is different. So just because you went to a nice college and come from a great family and drive an expensive car doesnt mean you dont need and want to be a slut once in a while. And guess what your husband wants to treat a woman like a slut too just not you,youre his wife. 

This is not at all like an affair, its a private,very private need you have. Do you have the courage to satisfy it? No love just lots of pleasure and a big black cock. I can keep a secret and you should be able to as well. This activity is between you and me, I am not telling the boys and you shouldnt whisper a word to your girlfriends. I am posting so you can reply. I know you are not a slut just sometimes you like to be treated like one. I know it is hard to find someone you trust to role play this with. I am giving you the chance live your slut fantasy. When you reply please tell me about yourself, your fantasies and how much you really want my big black cock. 
The man writing this somehow manages to be weirdly reassuring -- "it's okay that you're into this, there's no such thing as good girl sex, you're completely normal" -- even though the reassurance comes sandwiched between explicit sex talk.

Apparently, he thinks being a slut means that you don't get to come. Has he ever met a slut?

This thirty-two year old from Williamsburg writes actual erotica, even if only for a paragraph. 
I think the thing I want to do to you most (right now) is to get you on your hands and knees, but down, with your butt down by your feet, and get behind you, and kiss the bottoms of your feet, and suck on your toes, rub my face into your pussy, kissing your sex and getting your juices all over my face, rub my face into and lick your ass. Then after you are good and wet all over, I want to start by fucking your feet while I grab your sexy butt in my hands and massage you, make you crazy and make you wait a little, then finally stick my cock into your pussy and finger your asshole, kneeling over you and putting my face, warm with your juices, on you back...putting warm, wet kisses all over your back and your neck while we fuck. Then after you cum all over my cock, I want to pull out, and cum all over your ass, and pussy, and feet while I finger you. Then turn you over, fall on top of you and kiss you until we both fall asleep.
Something about the word "butt" doesn't quite work here. It seems out of place next to pussy and ass and cock. Third-graders say butt. Your mom says butt.

Another short one, this one titled Only email me if you're kinky enough to do this
One of my hands goes under your shirt to play with your chest while my other hand travels down south to finger your sweet tight pussy. You start moaning louder and louder as my finger gets deeper and deeper in your tight pussy that starts to get wet. I stop right before you're ready to orgasm and you get fully naked. You beg for me to take out my big cock while you play with yourself. When I feel you're ready for my dick I'll take it out so you can suck on it. You'll take it all the way in your mouth and make it nice and wet. When I feel that you've gagged on my cock enough I'll take my cock and rub it up and down your clit while you beg for me to stick it in your pussy. I'll put my cock into your pussy and start going deeper and deeper, faster and faster. I'll make your tight pussy wide. When I'm about to cum I'll stop pounding your pussy and go into your tight dirty ass and go into your ass deeper and deeper, faster and faster. When I feel I'm about to cum I'll take my cock out and make you suck me off till I cum and give you a facial. But I won't stop there I'll go back into your pussy to cum again while you lick my cum from your face. When i'm ready i'll cum in your mouth again. 
The first time I read this I was stoned off my ass and completely missed the ATM. I missed the buttsex entirely, actually, and I was completely ready to make fun of him for labeling such a vanilla fantasy as kinky. Now I'm thinking back on all the stoned sex I've had and wondering if it was kinkier than I remember.

I'm not completely sure if this counts but I'm sick of looking for erotica and this seems like a nice way to end it. This man wants Fun In The Dark At The Movies, and he has a very specific scenario in mind.
We can meet in the lobby of the theater and choose a movie. We should probably pick something that's been out for a few weeks, so it won't be as crowded and we have a better chance of having a little privacy. 

We enter the theater, and find seats towards the back, maybe even get a row to ourselves. You are wearing a skirt or a dress, and have a light jacket or a sweatshirt with you, to cover your legs during the movie (it gets cold, right?). 

When the movie starts, you cover your legs with the jacket, and I innocently let my hand drop into your lap, and under the covers. 

I will massage your thighs, moving my hand between your legs and spreading them apart. You'll hike up your skirt so you can spread your legs nice and wide. 

I'll move my hand slowly and teasingly up along your thighs until I reach your moist and dripping pussy. I'll rub your through your panties until you're soaked through, then, pushing them to one side, I'll finger your pussy and rub your clit until you cum, hopefully several times. I'll finger you for the entire movie, until the credits start to roll at the end. 

When the movie is over, you'll carefully slip off your cum drenched panties, hand them to me, then leave, satisfied and content, feeling the cool air against your wet and swollen pussy.
I feel like getting fingered for longer than ninety minutes might get a little painful after a while. Chafing!

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