Obsessed with Craigslist

Poetry

2009-05-10T15:15:00.000-07:00

Necessity is not the mother of invention. Horniness is.

Sex in the Back of an Abandoned Car: A poem

Sex poetry is fairly common on CL. Witness. Fortunately, this poem isn't horribly misogynistic and is actually kind of fun to read.

Zip! Flap. Coils creek on tires flat.
Crooked neck tight-
On ceiling.
Crunch, plastic ceiling light.
Zip! Gown. Slide down. Button slip. Tits, Big,
Brown.
White. Bikini Stripes.
Grips on wrist. Sweaty leather, pulls, sticks.
Hot breath. Dry lips. Hair wisps in kiss.
Leg back, lift. Ass. Smack!
Noone can see? No. Windows dirty/cracked.
Back.
Knee jerk. Grab. Jack.
Knees on seats.
Prying elbows. Dust billows. Tough nipples.
Thigh in teeth. Gritty cheek. Tip. Clit. Dress rip. Tounge on shin. Cunt. Cock.
Tight fit. Plugged in. Sin. Steaming skin.
Eyes meet- lock. Grin. Drip. Sweat dripping. Fuck. Fucking. Panting. Retrictive pants. Over heating. Pleading- Don't Stop!
Yelling. Pushing. Pushing. Coffee cup, trash, crushed in corner thrashing.
Push. Fill. Re-fill. Push in. Gush. Blood rush. Rushing, gushing- final thrust- gushed. Faces flushed.

Receding. Car creeks quieting. Sweat pooling.

Soaking. Cooling.

Deep Breathing.

Is it bad that I kind of hope he finds someone?

2009-05-10T12:31:00.001-07:00

If I were at all musically inclined, and found myself in the position of having to think up a name for my band, I would just check CL.

DICK TERRORIST.

you wan bang? cause imma make you suck my dynamite strap on, then explode it in ya face

can't wait to detonate on ya papí mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

send pics, lil breastfeedas wanted, cry for your mommy

Dick Terrorist would immediately become super famous, and I would become a millionaire, and that would be awesome. It's a shame I'm tone deaf.

2009-05-10T12:04:00.000-07:00

Some people are absurdly optimistic. Craigslist is an excellent example of this. Men write post after post, knowing that they're unlikely to get anything better than a link to a paysite.

Nowhere is this optimism more apparent than in the m4ww section.

It's a sad reality that men are much more open to casual sex than women. Women are socialized to think casual sex is slutty, and we also have good reason to worry about our safety, so CL -- where people try to hook up with strangers for random fucking -- has a lot of frustrated straight guys. And really, beggars can't be choosers. Some people haven't grasped this yet.

I WANT WOMEN TO RUN A TRAIN ON ME:

i always wanted a few girls to make me their jump off and take turns making me fuck and suck on their cunts till they nut cute CLEAN shaved or waxed no hair down their girls
me and a few friends gang banged one or 2 women back in the day don't ask because i wont tell i always wanted to know how the women felt
or how i would feel if the tables were turned lol im brown skin 5'5 really cute i know how to lay pipe and eat a mean cooch something every man should learn
to master must be at least 2 women so bring a friend OR 2 AND SHAVE YA PUSSY

This is the kind of guy who encourages my evil side.

Hi! Me and my friends have been looking for a guy to play with for a while, but we haven't found anyone uncreepy. I'm 5"4, 110, 32D redhead. My friends are both slender blondes, and we're all pretty hot. We all have nice thick bush, and we're not interested in shaving (razor burn, stubble) but if that bothers you enough to turn us down, we can always find someone else. Interested?

Here's the thing about guys who post on Casual Encounters with a list of requirements -- "You must be thin, white or Asian, multi-orgasmic, at least a C-cup, totally shaved, willing to take it bareback" -- you always wonder whether they'd actually turn down a hot black woman with a little extra weight. If they're posting on CL, they're pretty desperate.

Of course, my hypothetical sexy plus-sized black woman is a woman, on CL, in casual encounters and she can do whatever (whoever) the fuck she likes. If she posts an ad she'll be inundated with penis pics within ten minutes, and the guy she'll choose will probably be much hotter than the loser looking for slender white women only.

Awesome Titles.

2009-02-04T15:13:00.000-08:00

2009-02-03T18:07:00.001-08:00

Apparently, there are many facets of human sexuality I have yet to learn about, including the one that associates snow with sex.

The first time I came across this, I was puzzled. I figured the guy just wanted to post a pic -- people are more likely to click on the entries with pictures attached -- and didn't want to put a photo of his cock on the internet.

But maybe I was wrong.

Does the snow make you horny?

It makes me horny and sexually dominant!

Human sexuality is fascinating.

I Hate It When Craigslist Porn Turns Me On

2009-02-02T22:14:00.000-08:00

I've mentioned how much I like the creativity of some craigslist ads. I haven't mentioned how much I love it when people write stories -- always, always in second person -- in an attempt to woo casual sex partners with their erotica-writing skills.

Erotica-writing skills are excellent in a sexual partner, casual or otherwise. A good dirty e-mail is a wonderful thing.

So I've started collecting examples of craigslist erotica.

This one is entitled YOU'RE A GREAT WIFE/GIRLFRIEND ... BUT YOU WANT TO BE A BLK COCK SLUT. I personally don't know anyone who has sexual fantasies about being a different race but I can't say I've ever asked someone about that specifically. It's fine, it turns out that's not actually what he meant.

OK, you take the kids to soccer practice, shop at Whole Foods, make a nice house, provide excellent holiday memories, hair is always nicely arranged, you have a classic smile. Everything is together and you do the tings a responsible wife/girlfriend would do but one thing you crave black cock and want to be treated like a slut. Sure hubby/bf gets great head when he wants but he has no idea how sometimes you just need to suck, swallow, eat cum and be treated like a dirty whore. Suck me you slut dont blow me suck my head. Go deep gag on it you slut! Open wide let me see that cum shoot in your mouth.

Truthfully he cant treat you the way you want sometimes and still respect you being a slut is about being used like an object doing one thing, sucking a big black cock and being used for someone else total pleasure.. I dont care if you feel good, Im not going to try and make you cum. I may tell you to finger yourself while sucking me. I may pinch your nipples to see you groan or whimper. I will cum on your face, tits or ass. Hubby cant treat you like this and give you what you crave but I can.

Many women feel like this, its no surprise sex is different for everyone. Some women like ass play some dont, some like doggy and some like to be on top. There is no such thing as nice girl sex everyone is different. So just because you went to a nice college and come from a great family and drive an expensive car doesnt mean you dont need and want to be a slut once in a while. And guess what your husband wants to treat a woman like a slut too just not you,youre his wife.

This is not at all like an affair, its a private,very private need you have. Do you have the courage to satisfy it? No love just lots of pleasure and a big black cock. I can keep a secret and you should be able to as well. This activity is between you and me, I am not telling the boys and you shouldnt whisper a word to your girlfriends. I am posting so you can reply. I know you are not a slut just sometimes you like to be treated like one. I know it is hard to find someone you trust to role play this with. I am giving you the chance live your slut fantasy. When you reply please tell me about yourself, your fantasies and how much you really want my big black cock.

The man writing this somehow manages to be weirdly reassuring -- "it's okay that you're into this, there's no such thing as good girl sex, you're completely normal" -- even though the reassurance comes sandwiched between explicit sex talk.

Apparently, he thinks being a slut means that you don't get to come. Has he ever met a slut?

This thirty-two year old from Williamsburg writes actual erotica, even if only for a paragraph.

I think the thing I want to do to you most (right now) is to get you on your hands and knees, but down, with your butt down by your feet, and get behind you, and kiss the bottoms of your feet, and suck on your toes, rub my face into your pussy, kissing your sex and getting your juices all over my face, rub my face into and lick your ass. Then after you are good and wet all over, I want to start by fucking your feet while I grab your sexy butt in my hands and massage you, make you crazy and make you wait a little, then finally stick my cock into your pussy and finger your asshole, kneeling over you and putting my face, warm with your juices, on you back...putting warm, wet kisses all over your back and your neck while we fuck. Then after you cum all over my cock, I want to pull out, and cum all over your ass, and pussy, and feet while I finger you. Then turn you over, fall on top of you and kiss you until we both fall asleep.

Something about the word "butt" doesn't quite work here. It seems out of place next to pussy and ass and cock. Third-graders say butt. Your mom says butt.

Another short one, this one titled Only email me if you're kinky enough to do this.

One of my hands goes under your shirt to play with your chest while my other hand travels down south to finger your sweet tight pussy. You start moaning louder and louder as my finger gets deeper and deeper in your tight pussy that starts to get wet. I stop right before you're ready to orgasm and you get fully naked. You beg for me to take out my big cock while you play with yourself. When I feel you're ready for my dick I'll take it out so you can suck on it. You'll take it all the way in your mouth and make it nice and wet. When I feel that you've gagged on my cock enough I'll take my cock and rub it up and down your clit while you beg for me to stick it in your pussy. I'll put my cock into your pussy and start going deeper and deeper, faster and faster. I'll make your tight pussy wide. When I'm about to cum I'll stop pounding your pussy and go into your tight dirty ass and go into your ass deeper and deeper, faster and faster. When I feel I'm about to cum I'll take my cock out and make you suck me off till I cum and give you a facial. But I won't stop there I'll go back into your pussy to cum again while you lick my cum from your face. When i'm ready i'll cum in your mouth again.

The first time I read this I was stoned off my ass and completely missed the ATM. I missed the buttsex entirely, actually, and I was completely ready to make fun of him for labeling such a vanilla fantasy as kinky. Now I'm thinking back on all the stoned sex I've had and wondering if it was kinkier than I remember.

I'm not completely sure if this counts but I'm sick of looking for erotica and this seems like a nice way to end it. This man wants Fun In The Dark At The Movies, and he has a very specific scenario in mind.

We can meet in the lobby of the theater and choose a movie. We should probably pick something that's been out for a few weeks, so it won't be as crowded and we have a better chance of having a little privacy.

We enter the theater, and find seats towards the back, maybe even get a row to ourselves. You are wearing a skirt or a dress, and have a light jacket or a sweatshirt with you, to cover your legs during the movie (it gets cold, right?).

When the movie starts, you cover your legs with the jacket, and I innocently let my hand drop into your lap, and under the covers.

I will massage your thighs, moving my hand between your legs and spreading them apart. You'll hike up your skirt so you can spread your legs nice and wide.

I'll move my hand slowly and teasingly up along your thighs until I reach your moist and dripping pussy. I'll rub your through your panties until you're soaked through, then, pushing them to one side, I'll finger your pussy and rub your clit until you cum, hopefully several times. I'll finger you for the entire movie, until the credits start to roll at the end.

When the movie is over, you'll carefully slip off your cum drenched panties, hand them to me, then leave, satisfied and content, feeling the cool air against your wet and swollen pussy.

I feel like getting fingered for longer than ninety minutes might get a little painful after a while. Chafing!

Let's have a contest!

2009-02-02T18:05:00.000-08:00

One of the main attractions of craigslist is the incredibly creative ways men think up in order to convince women to have sex with them. We've already seen a guy attempting to get laid with the help of misogynistic poetry, but that isn't nearly as special as this guy.

This guy is holding a blow job contest for cute girls. And if you're all geared up to enter this contest and win a mouthful of come (there's no mention of any other prize) then stop and check your driver's license -- this contest is only open to those between eighteen and thirty-three. Sorry, MILFS.

i am a handsome nice WM with a great body and nice cock.

i want to pair a few sets of cute blow job experts off to see who is the best of the best of CL NYC. these will be fun situations with getting to know each other before the competitive part begins.

you will compete in pairs. i will try to get 8 girls total in the contest. the winner of each round will advance.

you will each have a minute to make me nut and then swap off. the girl who makes me lose my load wins.

the contest will start as soon as i get two girls and will be working on 8. send all your details if you are interested. tell me about your special talent and why you deserve to go tongue to tongue with other top notch talent.

I can't say I've seen anyone attempt to get sex by appealing to women's competitiveness. Points for creativity.

Deflowering

2009-01-30T09:52:00.000-08:00

Assuming you don't live in an underground cave, you've heard the story of Natalie Dylan, a women's study student auctioning off her virginity in order to pay for school. Bidding has reading $3.8 million, so she's clearly quite successful. Male virginity isn't considered special (although it's just about as useless) so men are forced to turn in their v-cards the old-fashioned way. By which, of course, I mean craigslist.

I come across pleas for deflowering fairly regularly, but this one seemed worth posting. This young man is twenty years old, and so here's the deal:

I have been saving myself for marriage, but I realize more and more that my wife probably will not be a virgin, so why should I?

There's more but it's pretty boring. Anyway, I like this. I've always disapproved of abstinence until marriage. Fine, personal choice and all that, but that doesn't mean I have to think it's a good idea. I have had sex with virgins. It's not something I care to repeat.

Anyway, this is all very interesting if you're like me and you're completely fascinated by sexual double-standards and the abstinence movement and the attitudes people hold towards sex, but if you just want a quick laugh, you have to appreciate the photo he chose.

Just a tip.

2009-01-30T09:45:00.001-08:00

If you insist on taking photos like this one, putting them on craiglist with the title first come first serve is absurdly optimistic.

PSA time and depression.

2009-01-08T22:19:00.000-08:00

My last post was on dangerously tempting craigslist ads. This post is about ads that just seem like the author has given up. Most craigslist posters try to sell themselves -- hence "I am a supermodel with a ten-inch penis and I will smoke you out!" -- but these poor guys have just given up.

This young man has written a post entitled Down with the condom... I don't understand his ellipse, but I don't understand much about the title. Is that "down with the condom" as in "hey, I'm down with condoms" or as in "DOWN WITH CONDOMS!"

Craigslist never disappoints.

I want to fuck bareback tonight. I want to experience finally what it feels like without the rubber. I'm latino, 5-8 and chubby.

If you are responding to a craigslist ad, you should be using protection.

Out of curiosity I did a search for bareback. Most people seem to have figured this out. There are some requests, but considering the sheer number of posts I'm proud of craigslisters. But not of this guy. He leads with the intriguing can you handle 20 cocks? and then proceeds to prove that he is dumb as a box of rocks, and thinks you are too.

yes im serious. im offering around 20 cocks for a super horny slut.

you must be between 18-29. on the pill takes it bareback, loves analand pussy creampie and swollowing cum. must host. please send a pic and number. otherwise no response

20 cocks. Bareback. The kid is 19, which is no excuse because so am I and I know better. Go ahead, have a gangbang. There's always some kind of risk involved, but fucking 20 guys you met on craigslist and don't know without any protection is stupid. Bring condoms to your group sex.

This next one is just depressing as fuck. I feel sorry for the guy. He draws you in with a clever title -- Cripple needs a nipple, really -- but then proceeds to make you want to kill yourself.

Hello
Seperated, lonely, need someone to help me forget i'm disable.
I use a sportschair. to fly past everybody going downhill. haha
Diner, movies, anything really, oh yeah must be 420 friendly.
5 ft, 20 lbs overwieght. I know, I know, sorry.
hey at least i still have a heartbeat. ok, sorry. that was bad.
You must be a happy person, anything goes, but it goes better with a smile.
emial me, I dare you.

Um, hugs?

Temptation

2009-01-01T20:49:00.001-08:00

The most dangerous thing about craigslist casual encounters is that they are sometimes incredibly tempting.

This post, for example, is entitled, perhaps somewhat repetitively, MODEL MODEL MODEL MODEL MODEL MODEL MODEL MODEL MODEL MODEL. The request is completely vanilla, but there's a photo and the guy is cute. He has a hotel room in Beverly Hills. Hot guy, nice place, glam job, will probably buy me weed. I'm home for the holidays and bored off my ass. I see no bad. I could be having sex right now. I could be having stoned sex right now.

I click automatically whenever I see a post from a college student. I'm a college student, and I tend to have sex with other college students. Plus, college student means close to my age and relatively intelligent, which decreases the sketch factor considerably.

Except most of the time they never say which college. So the sketch factor is still pretty high.

I have no real point to this, except that this completely unremarkable post should be congratulated for leaving me legitimately tempted, and for having a photo that without showing the guy's face makes me think he's going to be hot.

The guy is twenty-three, which is old for college. Either he's a grad student or just dumb. Either way, I could go for it.

Reading craigslist while bored is dangerous.

Frostbite

2008-12-11T20:39:00.000-08:00

From the m4m casual encounters:

The title: want this pussy?

The post itself is completely boring, but the combination of the title and the photo and the post itself moderately entertaining.

tight, warm ass here. gl bi-racial guy looking for masc tops to come open me up. i prefer guys who know what they like in bed and want to show me. send stats and/or pics for response. i have pics also

I am not a gay man, so clearly I am not the expert here, but I don't think anyone sees a tranquil winter landscape and thinks about sex. I mean, I think about sex all the time, but if I happen to think about sex while looking at a tranquil winter landscape I immediately start thinking about frostbite.

I am not a gay man, but sometimes reading gay craigslist makes me kind of wish I were , if only because of posts like this one: Getting high in hose n heels. Dressing up and smoking weed and having sex with a stranger actually sounds kind of fun. If you end up dating, it's the cutest how-we-met story ever, and if you never see the guy again it's still a great story for when you get into drunk overshare mode.

But then I read the post and it made me giggle.

mostyl str8 but want to suck in hose and heels n MAYBE get _ucked...5'5 165 light trimmed safe only..cannot host

Short little straight guy who wants to give head.

Crossdressing is usually a straight guy thing, and so oddly enough I'm tempted to believe that this guy actually is "mostyl str8" and that kind of warms the cockles of my heart. The nice thing about craigslist is that there is such an interesting array of sexuality.

More religious oddness.

2008-12-11T18:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I read posts in Casual Encounters and I don't know whether they were put there by mistake or if the poster is just trying something new. People get pretty creative trying to get strangers to have sex with them.

Religion always seems to me like a really odd thing to bring up in Casual Encounters. It makes sense in the personals, but when you're trying to get casual sex I don't think your strongly held religious beliefs are relevant. If anything, they're offputting because I assume that if we do have sex, you'll feel bad about it the next day. Really religious people are completely insane about sex.

That said, I think this one falls into the "funny mistake" category, and I'm posting it more for its location than anything else.

God Fearing Black male Seeks God Fearing Black Female:

Ok Ladies

I'm a God fearing black man who does construction and although I never finished high school I believe deeply and strongly in God. I don't have a car, but the little that I do have I don't mind sharing. I spend most of my time attending church and teaching bible study 3 times a week. My prayer is that some day God will send me a God fearing woman who will be my wife. Nothing will make me more happier than this. I don't have much money so women who are gold diggers please do not respond because I believe true love is free. Please respond with photos and I will do the same.

I feel bad making fun of this guy because he's so poor and he's looking for true love on Casual Encounters, and because spending that much time at church would make me slit my wrists.

I went to Catholic school, and we had mass once a month. I always brought a book and tried to sit where none of the teachers could see me. I never got caught, which means either the teachers weren't paying attention or that they were just as bored as I was and could sympathize. I'm generally kind of fascinated by religion and religious belief, but I think that's mostly because I find the whole thing so boring that anyone who takes it seriously is like a space alien to me.

So I feel a little sorry for this poor space alien who spends so much time being poor at church. If you are a god fearing black woman (or you know one) please give E.T. here a chance.

Religion and Craig

2008-12-10T14:37:00.001-08:00

Craigslist might not be the best place to go when you're Seeking a Jewish Orthodox Hasidic Woman, as this twenty-five year old Jewish man is.

This post uses the word "discrete" four times (Yes, WE FUCKING GET IT.) but other than that is almost entirely uninteresting, except for this part:

hopefully your husband or boy friend does not know anything but if he does it would be fun for him to watch but i would rather a discrete relationship.

i am looking for a discrete relationship with a religious girl or woman in the area who is looking to be treated the right way ;)

I don't have any rabbis or Orthodox Jewish friends to call and ask about this, but I'm pretty sure casual encounters are frowned upon in the Orthodox community.

Of course, as soon as I scrolled down the page I came upon another post by a twenty-five year old Jewish male. It seems like too much of a coincidence to not be the same guy, but the posts are written very differently, and they're looking for different things. The last guy wanted a devout Hasidic woman. This one titled his post Young jewish male for his shiksa girl :), and it's pretty much standard.

I'm 25, going to graduate school, really down to earth, outgoing with a good sense of humor.

Which is a good deal more sane than the last one.

I did a search for "jewish" and I found another one from the first boy. Now he's a Secular jewish male for orthodox hasidic woman, and he's still twenty-five. It's short, so here's the whole thing.

I can't help but be so attracted to you women

It must suck to have a fetish for people known for not being into casual sex. In fairness, it would probably be a lot worse to have a Jehovah's Witness fetish. At least Jews are into having fun married sex. Jehovah's Witnesses are expected to go their entire lives without any oral.

Now I'm fucking depressed.

Also, the next time a Jehovah's Witness comes by my house, I'm going to have to work very hard to stop myself from offering a blowjob.

Race, Confusion, and Craigslist

2008-12-08T09:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, craigslist is more confusing than anything else. And sometimes it gets kind of borderline racist. And sometimes it gets really racist. If you want to read a thoughtful dissection of racism on craigslist, go read this article. I'm just going to make fun of one of the odder posts I found this morning. The spelling isn't mine.

It is titled, perplexingly, White daughter turns Black which only somw true vedio speak.

Hey there i a new to new york, but i am not new to love making . I have been with many white daughter of white father and turned their pussy into a black dick craved pussy . This not me who is telling them but i went to a forum and saw , both pic and graphic pics(semi nude and full nude)of white girl with black not one or true but hundred of them just just like me .I am not saying this but some true video speaks

I want to make love to some white chick and then go and tell her dad that i am Bf. LOL i was kidding. i want to fuck the white girl who love black dick. i am black man. yes young and i am in school in . i am don't want some one from my college to know that what i am doing. that is why i am online looking for new friends. I have dated many girls and want it to be a NSA ,

this is going to be secret and no one will no and all behind closed doors
m4ww m4mw--

The spelling and race fetish are kind of funny, but pretty much normal for craigslist. The weird thing is the obsession with the girl's father and the fact that he feels the need to tell us that he got this idea from some kind of online forum, specifically one with both nude and semi-nude photos.

Perhaps the most telling part of this is where he says he wants either two women or a woman and a man. I'm pretty sure he's hoping to get in on some incest. There's a hodgepodge of fetishes here, and it's pretty entertaining.

Yes, there's a photo, but check it out yourself. It's a boring standard blurry penis shot and it's not interesting enough for me to upload.

ATTACK OF THE GIANT PENISES!

2008-12-07T23:52:00.000-08:00

Men on craigslist are always talking about their penises. They talk a lot about what they want people to do to their penises. One of the things I find fascinating about craigslist is that people are much more honest about some things than they would be in real life, but also willing to tell some very wild lies they wouldn't even considering if you'd met at a dinner party.

People always lie about penis size. Either that those uncharismatic types who can't pick up girls in bars are all sporting nine inches.

There is one place, however, where adding a few extra inches will actually decrease your chances of getting what you want. And when you want a blowjob from a woman might just be one of those times.

The post, in its entirety:

can any real women respond who are willing to take 8 inches of cock?

I like a big one as much as the next girl and probably more than most, but I prefer them in my vagina because shoving a massive dick down my throat is not that comfortable. I'm usually okay with it for the first thirty seconds, because that is about how long it takes blowjobs to stop being fun for me.

He's probably more like seven or seven and a half, and either of those would be much less intimidating.

And then there's the question form, as exemplified by who wants to try a 9" DICK??? I kind of doubt he'll be able to get those "nine" inches up at all, since he sounds like he's been having a serious coke binge.

Pretty straightforward really. Your pics get mine. No fella or couples. Call me the US Enterprise 'cause I go boldly where no man has gone before--ALL THE WAY (and then some). Feed the cat. Hurts so GOOD.

It's accompanied by a photo of a sweet young lady:

But she doesn't look exactly comfortable.

Fake Douchebags

2008-11-27T20:26:00.000-08:00

Some people are douchebags. Most of these people are on craigslist.

Here are two posts that I'm pretty sure are completely fake, probably concocted by teenage pranksters hoping for some indignant e-mails. They'd probably have better luck outside the m4w section. In the w4m section there's way less competition. Seriously, pranksters. Step it up.

Here's the first one: I want a woman to cook me up a thanksgiving dinner. This gentleman is 55 and lives on the Upper East Side.

I want the real deal, a woman who will come by with food and cook me up a thanksgiving dinner. Oh, I don't really own a full set of kitchen utensils, so you will need to bring those. And the turkey and fixin's. After dinner, we will watch a video on my $30 DVD player and 15 year old TV, and then I will go to sleep. You will hang around until the next morning to cook me breakfast, and maybe we will go to a movie later on.

You must be 21 - 32, bosomy, tight, white, bright and look really good in the light. I deserve it, and this is gonna be the year I get it I'm sure.

Step up to the plate, ladies of New York.

It's totally fake -- at least, I certainly hope so because anyone who thinks like this makes me sad -- but it's still funny. If it were real it would fit into the "wildly optimistic" category, which is quite an accomplishment for a craigslist post that makes no mention of sex. Because I'm sure there are loads of busty, attractive women out there with nothing better to do on Thanksgiving than cook dinner for a douchebaggy old man.

The next one up is hardcore douchebag, inflated ego version, and I'm pretty certain it's completely fake. There's a photo with it, at least, and the guy in the photo is hot, but in a kind of way that makes me think that the poster just googled until s/he found a pixely image from a men's catalogue.

Doesn't he look like something out of a Men's Vogue fashion spread? If you're less suspicious than I am, the post is called It's really tough being so rich and absolutely handsome and if you still want to drop him a line after reading it, please let me know how it goes. And if this guy is real, please send me naked photos.

If the guy in the photo is not the poster, and he's a good friend of yours, I would still appreciate naked photos. And maybe a phone number.

After reading this post, not even that pretty face and the hard body I am imagining under that suit would get me anywhere near this boy. Well, not before a couple of drinks, at least. My drunk goggles extend to douchebagginess, unfortunately.

Without further ado:

I mean, being such a huge baller as I am really has its drawbacks. I know everything about everything, drink Chateau Mouton-Rothschild 1945 like it's tap water, scoff at people's uninformed opinions on art, drive ferraris several hundred miles over the speed limit while sipping champagne that costs more than most people make in a week, and if a cop were ever to pull me over I would spit the mouthful in his face and demand he pay me $50. But that's not the real me.

I guess I am just tired of fast-paced, money laden life. Sure, building pyramids made of gold and traveling by velvet lined, slave powered caravan is fun, but after a while you just get the feeling that you want to meet "the one". I don't expect said female to match up with me in any category, that's just absurd, but I do want someone who will challenge my near perfection enough for me to shoot them down, caress their bruised ego and help pay their art school tuition.

I look forward to the chase, ladies. Please throw on your push-up bras, zip up those Steve Madden fuck-me boots and get ready for the ride of your life.

On the other hand, my college tuition isn't exactly going to pay itself, and gold pyramids sound nice. Maybe it's worth putting up with this guy for a while. If he annoys me I can just have sex with him. Never underestimate how much sex can distract you from the fact that you're dating a guy you can't stand. In high school I spun out a relationship with one of the most boring guys I have ever met for months past the expiration date because I failed to notice he was boring, because we were having sex twice a day and he was really, really long-lasting. Twice a day with a marathon man is a serious time commitment, and between that and schoolwork I didn't have time to have an actual conversation with him. He eventually decided we needed to talk more, and refused to buy condoms. We broke up the next day.

The saddest part of that story is that it wasn't even very good sex.

The Boring Night That Started This

2008-11-27T20:11:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving in college kind of blows, particularly when your family is across the country and you know it's not worth a six-hour plane ride to spend less than a week in the California sunshine. Even if I had gone home, I suspect it would have been kind of depressing. My Dad called me up the other day to tell me all about how he and my mother had all their plans fall through.

But I digress. The point of all of this is that all my roommates were gone, and so I turned, as I have turned on so many occasions, to Craigslist. It never lets me down.

In the m4w section of the personals -- this is people looking for actual relationships -- I found this gem. The heading read BRAD PITT CLONE HERE !!!!!!!!!! - 29 (QUEENS), and that sounded extremely unlikely to be true. I was hoping for a picture. Instead I got this.

Hey there, vagina,
You're a fragrant little kitty,
With your landing strip and camel toe,
To me, you look so pretty,
Yes you do...
You know what I just wanna do,
Is punish you...

Hey there, vagina,
You're a fancy little beaver,
Let my penis play the quarterback,
And you can be receiver,
Yes, it's true...
I'll throw a touchdown inside you...
Yes, it's true...

Oh, it's what you do to me...
Oh, it's what you do to me...
Oh, you little penis sleeve...

I love your little heart-shaped box,
A pair of lips that never talks,
It's everything a man could ever want!

The only problem in the world,
Is you're connected to a girl,
And that makes you annoying in the end!
In the end...

Hey there, vagina,
You're a man's reason for living,
You can make the most froogle, gentlemen,
Become quite giving,
Yes, it's true...
You sausage wallet,
I love you...

I don't think this guy wants to get laid. I think he just wants someone to tell him that he's clever for spoofing a really annoying song.

Perhaps strangest of all, the sexist poetry was followed with this photo:

Sometimes, people on craigslist are confusing. And sometimes they scare the shit out of you with photos of scary fucking spiders.

Does this blog already exist?

2008-11-27T19:46:00.000-08:00

I did some cursory googling, but I didn't find anything. Apparently a blog a while back had a name that sounded too much like the name of the actual craigslist blog and got in trouble for it. Hopefully I'll avoid that.

I've been reading Casual Encounters for a while now. I read them for laughs, because they're funny. Men who post in CE have a whole lot of optimism, which strikes me as kind of compelling. I like the contrast between total honesty about sexual desires and ridiculous lies about endowment, age, and attractiveness. It makes for an interesting mix.

This blog is about me hunting down the best of craigslist for your reading enjoyment. I'll usually try to copy down posts in their entirety, because craigslist breaks links pretty fast and that's just frustrating. I'm also going to try to guess at the motivations behind the postings, and I'll probably tell you some of my stories.

I'm going to write another post about some actual cl entries pretty soon, but for now go read this fun I Did It For Science article. Grant Stoddard attempts to hook up with someone on craigslist, and is really entertaining in the process.